Forever Flawed

((Ugh, school is once again getting in the way of writing. After tomorrow, though, I don't have any major assignments due until middle of November, so I should have more time then. As for now, here is a small paragraph I wrote a couple years ago.

I'm going to tell you a secret. I am terrified of what people think about my writing. I've made it my goal to become a writer, but the truth is that only about 1% of writers will make enough money to earn a living from their royalties. I look at the books by other authors, and I can never compare myself to them (Except George R. R. Martin. I love his work, but I sometimes question his choice in words...) Anyway, go ahead and read, but I must request that you don't comment to tell me that it's all lies. I understand that I may be over reacting, but once again, the chance of earning a living from writing is very slim.))




I am a failure, a fraud. The compliments ring mercilessly in my mind. The lies they hold kept my hopeless dream alive, and like a floodgate newly opened, the truth swept them away. I am no different than the millions. I will grow old and die, forgotten. These words I write, no one will remember, no one will care. Just the dreams of a silly girl. What is the point of them? We cling to them rather than accept the reality we live in. These dreams we are told to make, to strive for, is just mist in our mind, obscuring the truth of life. Dreams are pointless. They are the bullies of our mind. They knock us down, steal our confidence and leave a hollow shell of our former self. My dream is gone, just a memory now. I will never be known, nor remembered. These words will never leave this page, for they are my words. Forever flawed, never perfect.

Birthday

Once again I'm going to have to delay the new piece of work, since I haven't had time today, and I honestly just kind of forgot about it during the weekend. So instead I'll just ramble about how my birthday party was.

First off six of us were supposed to meet at the laser tag place, but Liliana never showed up... Actually, I haven't heard anything from her since she was supposed to get on the bus... I'm hoping that she just went back home.

Anyway, there were five of us for laser tag; myself, Brittney, Sianna, Vanessa and Kyra. We played three games, the first one being a free for all, and the last two being on teams. I wasn't too bad. During the free for all I actually did pretty well... Probably because I hit my friends on a few occasions. (Sorry guys) During the second game I came in 11th for my team, which wasn't great, but at least I didn't come eighteenth. *coughSiannacough* Unfortunately, during the third game my gun wasn't working properly and it wasn't shooting successive lasers, so I had to pull the trigger every time I wanted to shoot, which really slowed it down and messed with my aim.

After that there was a bit of a misunderstanding, and Sarah, who was planning on meeting us at the laser tag place, had no ride back to Red Robins and had to bus. Luckily the bus seemed to show up pretty quickly, but I still feel terrible. (Sorry Sarah!) I gave her a hug to make up for it, and anyone who read my previous blog post about love knows that my hugs are pretty rare.

During dinner I was allowed to have a grilled cheese off of the kids menu, and no it wasn't just for the price. I  love grilled cheese, and they make them really well at Red Robins. However, since it was my first day being 19, I ordered some sort of alcoholic beverage, of which I never actually got the name. It tasted like Sprite and kool-aid, and I could only barely taste the alcohol after I swallowed. Interestingly enough, I felt nothing from it. My parents suggested that there actually wasn't any alcohol in it. For someone who has avoided any alcohol her whole life, my first drink, although good, was rather anticlimactic  I think I'll need several more to just get a buzz... I guess that's a good thing though, since I don't like making a fool of myself, and I will no doubt do so if I'm drunk.

After my moment of being an adult and drinking alcohol, they brought out my cake. It had Pikachu and Squirtle on it. I had hoped to also have Charmander and Bulbasaur, but they couldn't fit it onto the cake. Pikachu's head tasted amazing.

I came home around 9:30, and opened up presents with my family. I'll leave a list below of what I got, since I know people will be curious. However, I'll probably also forget some smaller things, since there was more than I had expected. Heck, maybe the alcohol did mess with my mind, because I'm already finding it hard to remember who gave me what... Then again, that happens more often than I care to admit.

Brittney: Brave: The Wii video game
Sarah: A gift card to Tim Hortons for $15
Sianna: A box of cookies that looked like a scene from Super Mario Brothers, another box of cookies, a pair of snake earrings, a box in the shape of a book with candy inside and a small contain shaped like a mushroom from Mario with chocolate kisses inside
Shaina: A very beautiful photo of me edited to make it look like I'm a fairy, and a long video card
Kyra: My gift is apparently still in the mail...
Vanessa: Three bottles of lovely smelling perfume
Farmor (Dad's mom): Two Disney movies on DVD (Atlantis and Anastasia), a book (Elantris by Brandon Sanderson) and a pen/stylus to use with my ipad
Granny (Mom's mom): A gift card to Itunes for $15, a book (A Murderous Procession by Ariana Franklin) and a package of magnetic book marks
Mom and Dad: A book (Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson), a pair of grey skinny jeans and a T-shirt that has not yet come in the mail.

I know there must be at least something I have forgotten, so please tell me.

Amanda Todd

I promised you guys a new piece of writing, but something has come up that most of my readers are well aware of. Recently a fifteen year old girl who went to school close to where I live committed suicide because of bullying. Rather than describe everything, I`ll post her video at the end of this blog.

Unfortunately this is not an unusual event. The way I see it, bullying is a crime overlooked by the government, as if the fighting of the younger generation should be dealt by the younger generation. They deal with the adults that beat up other adults, but put too little effort into dealing with the youth that beat up youth. Why is it that bullying differs from assault? It's the exact same thing, but the consequences for the youth is a slap on the wrist and a day in detention. I know we cannot send all bullies to jail, just like we are unable to send all crime offenders to jail. We do not have the money, time or people to search out all the bullies in all the school in all of Canada, or even in one province. But the very fact that we must consider the effort and resources needed to do so is ridiculous. The act of bullying should not even be considered by the youth.

But of course, there will always be the violent, over reacting children who think that punching someone will solve their problems. I'd like to refer to the video now, specifically to the girlfriend who did so much damage. If your boyfriend is cheating on you, do not get angry at the girl he cheated with. Get angry at him, as he is the one who is supposed to be loyal. He made an unspoken agreement to not harm you physically or mentally when he agreed to be your boyfriend. The other girl did nothing of the sort. She has no ties to you, no bonds or promises. You do not know her story, why she did what she did. She did not break your trust or your heart. If anything, she is the one that revealed to you that your boyfriend is a cheating scum bag. If he is even considering being with another girl to begin with, then it's clear he is not completely devoted to you. And if you're the type to gang up on one girl for the deed she shared with your boyfriend, I understand why he would be considering other girls.

I understand that this is a violent and hate-filled response to an equally violent and hate-filled situation, and I a know that words do just as much damage as actions. But bullies need to know their place, even if it means dropping them down a notch using a bit of their own medicine. However, so as not to be bias, I also understand that there are two sides to a story. I do not know what the girlfriend was thinking, or if there is more to her story than what we are given. Either way, to react in the way she did is just wrong. Harming someone because you have felt harmed is not the answer, just as harming yourself is not the way out of problems.

This whole blog is not about bullies and their actions, but also about the victims and their responses. I cannot honestly say that I understand. I have never been bullied, and I have never felt alone enough to consider suicide. For this I consider myself lucky, and I wish that everyone else could feel the same. I wish that suicide victims could see what they started when they ended their lives. I wish that this was all fake, that she would come back and see all the sympathy she has gotten, that she has moved so many hearts and raised so many voices. But what I wish for most is that her death will not be in vein. I wish that her story will cause something to happen, that the adults will realize the fighting of children is more than that.

I know this one blog post will be insignificant compared to so many other blogs, articles, essays, videos and other media sources, but if I could change the mind of one victim, or change the ways of one bully, I will consider that a great victory.

Almost There

One of my midterms is done! (For British Literature: Restoration to WWII) I have an in-class essay tomorrow for my other British Literature class, which I assume will be the midterm, but I think I might have missed the class where we talked about it... Then I have a midterm for my World Societies class on Thursday, which I've barely even started planning for. It looks like I wont have a midterm for Canada before Confederation, however I do have a short presentation due on the 18th. As for Astronomy... I have no idea what is going on there. Either I missed something in the class I was away, or we don't have a midterm... I really hope I don't.

So as you can see, I'm rather busy this week. Not to mention my birthday party is on the 13th, but I guess that really won't interfere with the blog... Either way, I swear, once I finish with midterms and presentations and all that stuff, I will write something brand new! I have the idea in my head, and I've formed ideas for words and everything, I just haven't had the time or willingness. But if enough people show an interest, then I guess I will have to stick to my word. (That means posting, guys! Tell me to do it or I will get lazy! It woul.d also be great if you followed my blog... I like followers.)

Anyway, off to bed for me. I need to be awake for the essay tomorrow.

Happy Birth... Week?

My birthday is in a little under a week, on this coming Saturday. But since Thanksgiving (for Canadians) was this week, we had family over. That meant both of my aunt and uncles and my sister; the house was very busy, especially with three dogs. The good thing is, we now have a fridge jam-packed with extra food.

We had turkey dinner on Saturday, then a huge breakfast on Sunday morning. My aunt and uncles left Sunday after noon, but not before giving me a birthday present;

I received a ton of candy.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I love candy. I even have a candy chest which at the moment just barely closes. To be more specific, I got a box of Nerds (already eaten) a large box of Jelly Bellies (Half gone... Especially the black liquorish), a Pez-like Wii controller candy dispenser, a tin of Ghostbuster themed candy, and some chocolates that have been formed and coloured to look like shells or colourful rocks. They're so pretty, I don't want to eat them.

Today my sister is leaving, pretty soon, I think. She gave me a present too, and inside was a very pretty mug with a green and black design on it, two packages of hot chocolate, a small container of candy with a label that says 'Cray People Pills', and a mint case in the shape of Link's shield. I think I might just bring that to my next Zelda party...

(And yes, that is what I look like without make up)

Anyway, just a short post today, since I woke up with a headache and it's still here. I was actually going to write something new, but that might have to wait until after midterms and after birthday parties and the like.

My Body Hates Me

I'm finally starting to get over this cold, although I still have a head ache, a stuffy/runny nose and my cough is still pretty bad. I'm just hoping the bus to and from class today will not make it worse. However, this morning my body decided to torture me with some really bad cramps. As if being always tired and worn out form a cold wasn't bad enough.

And of course, I still have my essay due tomorrow and mi terms coming up, so I still don't have much time to post anything new, so here is some poetry I wrote last year.

Imagination of Childhood

Hanna! Hanna! Come out and Play!

We’ll run and laugh ‘till the end of day!

Ignore the rules, forget the laws,

Because with us, time will pause.

The sun is bright as the middle of May,

The flowers plentiful for a bouquet.

Brave the monster with the snapping jaws,

Then run away from his massive claws. 

Ignore the sky as it colours grey,

From the parents we run away.

Stand our ground as the sun withdraws,

Hide ourselves in shadow’s gauze

Back in home we cannot stray,

Until tomorrow, in our beds we lay.

We wake to the sound of a rooster caw,

In each other we see now flaw.

Hanna! Hanna! Come out and Play!

We’ll run and laugh ‘till the end of day!

Ignore the rules, forget the laws,

Because with us, time will pause.

Night Sight

Each night I look up,

And see the moon thrice the size it should be,

Pulsing as if it were the heart of the sky,

And each of the millions of stars

Are its limbs cradling the world.

I see the two guardian angels,

One on the door, one on the closet,

To keep the intruders out and the monsters in.

Only the light of day will make them fade,

Until the night arrives again.

In the corner is a cloaked figure,

Made of shadows, not darkness.

When the light of my angels shine,

It will be there to protect my treasures,

The hundreds of portals of the mind,

The imaginations of many,

The ink stained paper.

And in the morning when I awaken,

I will look around to see nothing.

No heart of the sky.

No guardian angels.

No protector of stained paper.

But I know, they will be there tonight.

Let The Sirens Pass

Oh please, please,

Let the Sirens pass.

Just move, move,

To let them go.

It comes closer,

The call of the reaper,

The song of the angels.

And stops.

Silent as death,

The last breath

That escapes the quivering lips,

And breathes again.

Oh please, please,

Silence the sirens.

Fall quiet, quiet,

As the sleeping babe.

Pounding steps,

The march of an army.

One by one,

They file by.

Go up, up,

To the resting man.

We wait, wait,

For word of hope.

Faceless, nameless,

Their army marches.

The beat of his heart.

Keep walking, keep beating.

Oh please.

Please.

Let the sirens pass.

Just move.

Move.

To let them go.


((And once again, copyright and that stuff. I wrote this, this is mine, don't use it without my permission.))

Character Sketch

((Okay, so I'm still sick, more so than on Saturday, so I'm just going to post a character sketch I did for one of my creative writing classes.))

Some children can boast about growing up in a mansion. Some on a farm, some in an

apartment, some in a house with a white picket fence. I, however, surpass them all. My one and only

home has been the circus.

 Yes. I, Linx Greyson, am a true carney. That is not to say I am a freak. I am not seven feet tall,  nor do I have an unnatural amount of muscles. While I can walk on a one inch ledge and clamber up a pole  in seconds, I am not a tight-rope climber or an acrobat. I have all my limbs, no less, no more, not like the bearded lady, who lost her finger to the tiger.

If I ever ventured away from the tents and colourful wagons, away from the walls that marked the boundary of my home, I might look like any average citizen. Sure, I may be skinny enough to look good in the outfit of a medieval court fool, but I don’t think the hat would flatter my face. Besides, I am a fortune teller, not a fool.

We had stopped on a night when the dark clouds were blocking out the setting sun. As I sat watching the strong man and lion tamer set up the banner to welcome guests to our humble circus, a beautiful young woman walked up to me. With a charming smile and a flourishing bow, I welcomed her into my home.

“I am looking for the main tent.” she said, hesitating near the door.

“In five minutes you can leave here knowing not only where the tent is, but where you will sit, when you will leave, and who will be the poor person volunteered for a trick.”

She smiled nervously, but my hints of the future lured her into my tent.

Now I am not a fortune teller with a wart on my nose, my hair long and scraggly and a dozen

shawls covering my body. In fact, I like to think I am quite fashionable. My hair is even custom cut by the

circus tailor. She claims that short, blonde spikes are very popular among the kids. So I can see no reason why this girl would be afraid of me. Maybe I was simply too confident. No matter the reason, I can understand why she left mortified after what I had to tell her.

“Ah, yes, a smart young woman. A good, healthy life so far.”

“I thought you said you were a fortune teller.” The girl frowned

“I am. I can see you will not die of sickness, nor do you walk in alleys alone at night. That shows you at least have some common sense.”

She glared at me as if I had insulted her.

“But moving on…” I took her hand and traced the lines. Short, faded… “Well now, Miss Abigale, it seems you may be healthy, but something will still go wrong.”

“I never told you my name.” She stated

 I nodded to her bag, where someone had scrawled her name in orange highlighter. I then brought out a small velvet bag and pulled out three stones, facing them down so that nothing showed. The first one I turned over was Elhaz, a rune looking like a Y with the centre line going up past the fork.

“How interesting.” I mused. It was upside down. “Vulnerability and sacrifice.” The next rune was Mannaz, a rune similar to the letter M.  “But there may be hope, if you accept it.”

 “And the last one?” She gazed worriedly down at the stones.

I flipped it over:  Lagaz, a simple line with a shorter line falling down to the right. Also upside down, a

very bad sign.

“If you do not take my advice, you may be in for a rough night.” I tore my gaze away from the stones to look at her.

“And your advice would be?”

“Run.”

((And once again, all that copyright stuff. Don't take credit for any of my work.))