Delve Into the Mind

It's quarter past eleven here, and I've had too much sugar today. I have a stomach ache and I'm probably dehydrated, but I'm in the mood to ramble. So I introduce a few things that goes on in my mind.

The thoughts that pop up the most often are about the future and my choices for it. Although I say my biggest fear is deep water (you never know what's down there...) it's actually about my career choice. I think most people have these thoughts, whether they're heading for something as unstable as a writer or musician, or as solid as, well, pretty much anything other career. And I know I haven't gotten very far in the eight or so years since making this choice. By the winter, I will have two short stories published in my college's anthology, but that gets me bragging rights only, and it's money that'll keep me alive. Of course, you read any blog or comment by a published writer, and they'll tell you that the worrying and second guessing is as much a part of the job as math is to an accountant. I guess it keeps us on our toes. The moment you slack off and stop worrying is the moment that you have something to worry about. Sounds like a great life, right?

Well, at least I've had training as a barista, so if all else fails, I'll open up a coffee shop combined with a book store.

But apart from the constant worrying and self loathing for my procrastination, I'm honestly a happy person. That is if you love making your characters suffer by ripping our their heart. No matter how terrible that sounds, every book worm loves it. What is a book without drama, and what is a writer who cannot create this drama? Now I'm far from the person to create this drama in real life. Oh no, I hate teen fiction novels for this very reason. If I ever wanted to live the drama of a book or character, I would pick something far more exciting. Then again, pretty much anything would be more exciting than my current average life. I'm still amazed I did so well in my Personal Narrative class when half my stories featured other people.

Which brings up my thoughts on my current life. Of course I wish it was more exciting, and I'm constantly coming up with situations in which something could make it more exciting. I might see some guy, envision him asking me out. But I would have no idea what to do or say, so would probably end up blabbering some excuse for why I can't go out, then look down, wishing that my hair was long enough to cover my increasingly reddening face. It's rather pathetic when my imaginary self cannot even handle a situation like that. I think it's best if  just remain on the computer the rest of my life.

I guess I did pick a fitting job after all.

My Kryponites

Just like everyone, I have fears. Some of them are normal, others are a little... Well, not normal.

1) Spiders. Or any other bug, for that matter. Although I think I might be starting to get over this fear. A couple days ago I woke up around 7:30 and rolled over in my bed to see a spider just chilling in the corner, about a foot and a half away from me. I just blew it down so it was under my bed, then rolled over and went back to sleep. About ten minutes later I woke up to find it back were it had been. I just blew it back down, then stuffed a wad of bubble wrap in the gap between my bed and the corner, then went back to sleep. Pretty brave, eh? Although I have not risked moving the bubble wrap since then...

2) Deep water. I've probably mentioned this before, but it's actually a pretty big fear. I'm not a very strong swimmer; I failed my level four swimming lessons about five times because I wasn't able to float on my back. After that my parents and I decided that I I knew enough to keep myself from drowning. However, I think my main fear comes from knowing that there are probably thousands of creatures in the water that we have never identified, and even many of the ones that we do know about look like creatures from nightmares. Plus, I don't like not being able to see the ground, which is odd, because I don't have much of a fear of heights...

3) I've recently realized that I have a fear of being annoying... It sounds weird, I know, but I am actually afraid that I come across as annoying to some people. It's why I don't often initiate conversations, because I feel like if someone has not talked to me yet, it's because they don't want to talk. The weird ting is, it's even worse over Facebook, because there someone can actually ignore you and pretend that they didn't see your message. And it makes that annoying sound when someone talks, and I know I sometimes cringe when I hear it over and over and over, especially when I'm trying to do something else.

4) Getting asked out on a date. Holy hell, what do I do! I swear, I would probably just stand there with my mouth open, astounded that anyone would even ask that... It would probably be worse if for some reason some stranger began hitting on me... I honestly have a fear of this because I have no idea how to react...

5) Rejection. I guess this can go hand in hand with the previous fear, even if the situation is reversed. More often it's rejection for anything but emotional stuff, such as for my writing, or for work. I hate asking someone to do something, or for a favour, and then they cannot do it, or don't want to. I end up apologizing over and over just for asking, even if it's really not my fault. Furthermore, it's the fear of letting people down, especially my parents.

So now everyone knows how to manipulate me if they ever want to defeat me for some reason... I really hope no one uses this post for evil...